perseverance doesn't mean I can't hate change

This feels like a cop-out. I was finally catching on and feeling confident. Now here I am in a dark room at 3am. I think I really will miss all the interactions which is strange for someone who always thought she was an introvert. Perhaps I have always instead been a super anxious, super shy extrovert because I go stir crazy when I'm not busy and in the fray.

Deaf notes and talking heads



As a kid you always were taught that quicksand was this ominous thing you needed to be prepared for. I am just now starting to realize this metaphor. Time keeps spinning faster and faster now matter how tight I try to grip onto fading moments.

Make me up I am your silhouette. You are my alphabet

I have been trying so hard. Sometimes I have to give myself actual pep talks before I walk in the door. On paper, I am insanely qualified, successful even. Outside I have forced myself to become more confident, more commanding, and even absolute. While inside, I am constantly questioning, constantly scared, constantly doubting myself. It doesn't always feel authentic. I would rather be a safe space.

Do you know what it means?
Another life outside dismantling me


Mood: Blah
Music: Manchester Orchestra - Internet

Well I've got nothing left to prove?

I've worked so hard my whole life to prove to anyone/everyone that I was good enough. It took awhile but I believe it's finally paid off. Been working long hours since 9/8 but I'll be officially on my own right before Halloween. Take that, everyone who ever doubted me.

Music: Belle Noire - February

Quarantine day #????? pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by

I am in so much debt. What kind of sociopath kidnaps someone, forces them to pay for their enslavement and then expects them to work day and night in order to build up random houses for other cool aid drinkers? Oh right, Tom Nook.

I have no idea what day it is anymore or where I am and somehow I seem to have forgotten the last 2.5 years of quizzes and exams but hey animal crossing is awesome.

Hoping I don't fail the boards next week, especially seeing how I'm risking a pandemic...

Music: Bilmuri: Good things fall apart

Day 25

For an introvert, being stuck inside shouldn't be this hard. For people with anxiety however, this is torture. Maybe I'll take up gardening or something. I mean, I was able to keep my last plant alive for an entire 3 days. I'm sure there can't be much to it.


Music: Chris Cornell - Preaching the End of the World
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious

My arrogance took hold and made me blind to see

I remember a few years ago standing in the kitchen and contaminating a jar of mayo while making chicken. Now you can catch me practicing sterile field technique in the drive way on my groceries. Guess there's at least a little upside to my fancy degree and the ptsd I've acquired from lab test-outs.


Music: Tilian - Cocky